Hope you had a great Thanksgiving

Thanks for calling yesterday. Exciting news about your growing compound in RN. Planning to rent? ; )

My Thanksgiving went surprisingly well. As soon as Mom left to pick up Gary, I put the dinner together (except for the gravy which I left for Mom) and I was amazed at how well I whizzed around the kitchen when I had it to myself. Food for thought.

Have you heard the one about how it takes twenty minutes for your stomach to signal your brain that it's full? I always thought, "I know right away when I'm full...and then I'm really full!" In the last couple of weeks I've figured out, inadvertently like usual, that what they meant was twenty minutes from when you stopped eating. They never said that! I would just eat away waiting for the magic signal to stop, and it only came after I had eaten way too much. I know that my style of eating (too fast even when not mindless) probably has something to do with this. Maybe those who eat slowly get the signal while they're still eating, but now I know I should portion out an amount, eat that and then wait and see if I really want more.

I've lately been seeing myself as quite neurotic: addictive, obsessive, antisocial, etc. Then I remembered you saying things along the line of how sane I am compared to a lot of people (as well as raised by wolves). Maybe what you've been trying to say is that I'm actually a very sane person trapped in a crazy situation. That my 'insanities' are making themselves known more clearly because I'm waking up and realizing where I am.

Sometime in the last few weeks, I realized something while visiting my new favorite Mex restaurant. Having sat in booths along the inside walls and booths along the outside walls, with no other differences between the two, I realized that I preferred sitting along the outside wall. Also noticed this inside other rooms, the middle of the room felt very different from the edges of a room. Then I realized that what it seemed like was that the room's energy flowed from the middle of the room toward the edges, and that if I was sitting or standing toward the middle of the room, it felt like I was kind of being pushed outward, necessitating that I use my own energy to resist. Sitting along the outside wall, I'm able to relax more completely.

I've been curious about feng shui for a few years but have not been impressed with the books I'd looked at. They all focused on compass directions and specific placement of things that made no sense to me. But since F recommended that I check into it again, I have found some incredible books that explain more general spiritual/energy phenomena that are really speaking to me right now. Found a library book that I'm going to buy this afternoon:
Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston. Just the first couple of chapters are combining, summarizing, and explaining several realizations I've had recently:

Looking at your home around you, "...realized that what you are looking at is the outer manifestation of your inner self." All my increased desires to get away from here, get rid of all my stuff, simplify, etc. are mirroring my trying to break away from my old life and become the real me.

"Energy ripples outward..." with an illustration that looks exactly like what I described above.

"Healthy energy is moving energy." Do, do, do. Action. Movement. Wu wei representing the movement of water.

"Most people who have lots of clutter say they can't find the energy to begin to clear it. They constantly feel tired. This is because everything you own is connected to you by strands of energy." One of the reasons I have been wanting to get rid of stuff is that it felt like cobwebs all wrapped around me.

"People unconsciously keep clutter in order to suppress their own aliveness. They may want to change and improve their lives, but their subconscious minds are afraid to journey into the unknown." My weight does the same thing. It protects me from flying off the world, from losing myself. Weighs me down. Anchors me. And the fear of the unknown is discussed in my warrior book as a major roadblock. I think one of the reasons I'm so afraid is that I hadn't been around it, other people who can fly. I don't know what's ok and what's crazy or dangerous.

My current interest in the physical sciences (in contrast to my long relationship with the more esoteric interests) was answered by OPB in that they've been repeating their series on quantum mechanics and string theory. They still haven't sold me on it, but there were lots of animated atoms involved -- the nucleus of protons and neutrons with the teeny electrons whizzing in an orb around it. It reminded me of how I feel when my awareness is expanded into a sphere around me. It also reminded me of my 'jujitsu'. Maybe when I'm relaxed and expanded, my 'electrons' are circling around me in a relaxed and inviting manner, perhaps able to connect and mingle with others' 'electrons'. But when I'm anxious, stressed, or agitated, those electrons get going so fast that they become a shell (this would be like my sense of being lost in a tornado, and my defensive 'jujitsu') and I'm locked and retreated inside.

When I am relaxed and expanded, and I move my arms around or something, it seems like I can feel the space, the 'empty' air, around me as if it were water. I have a sense of the movement from beneath the skin (muscles, etc.), a sense of the boundary between my space and the surrounding space (surface of skin and hair), and a sense that the surrounding 'ocean' is as alive as I am.

Maybe I'm one of those energy workers. Or could be.

These always end up being so long. Sorry about that.

Nancy

Big one this morning

I'm a visual thinker, but when I communicate (feedback) with the Universe (story of the hourglass), I just realized that the language of the universe is sensation, not words, not feelings, not 'pictures' (2D representations of 3D world). Temple Grandin is well-known autistic author of Animals in Translation (she's responsible for much of the improvements of our treatment of food animals). She made the correlation between autistics and animals, that they both think in 'pictures'.

Well, because of my experience with the hourglass, I've come to think that what she really means by pictures is sensations from the senses of the body. That's how animals would see the world. I think 'pictures' was the best word she could come up with because she's human with language capabilities. What these 'pictures' really feel like is a gestaltic combination of thinking, feeling, visuals, sensations...and maybe something spiritual -- really hard to describe.

The Secret, as I'm paraphrasing from friends who have read it, focuses on details as the way to communicate with the universe. As per Gracie anyway, "Make as detailed a picture as you can (eg, what kind of man I want in my life), write it down in great detail, and meditate on it, send it out there, in a detailed picture. Instinctively, I did not think this was the way to do it. Then the hourglass happened, and I got a general picture of how it more likely works. Then this morning, it solidified.

My trying to create detailed plans and instructions on how to eat and get healthy is like the detailed list of mate-qualities that she was talking about. What I need to do is get these gestaltic things going -- overall sensation flashes of the way I want to be: healthy, fit, vital. The thing is that they've always happened on their own accord up to this point. Now I need to learn and practice how to cause them to happen by my choice.

Then I realized that not only do I need to flash on physical health, but I need to include with that the love, acceptance, and compassion for others that will keep my new energy bound as a positive force and effect. I reminded myself of my 'open-hand' policy that I learned because of my issues with Michael early 2010, and the picture of that (I always reminded Michael of this by holding my hand out palm up) reminded me of your posture exercise to settle the shoulders and your point about the depictions of Jesus.

Whew!

N

Knowledge is a frustrating thing

Howdy,
New book from Goodwill: The Back to Eden Recipe Book, Jethro Kloss. Natural diet guru from early 20th century. Then got his main book from the library: Back to Eden. Sounds so simple -- God (or evolution) put everything we needed to nourish our bodies in whole and complete health on this earth, predominantly plants and water, and so to return to whole and complete health, eat directly from the earth. And move. This body machine is designed for natural fuel and movement. Simple.

So why is it so hard to figure out what to eat? And the Lazy Boy is a venus-fly-trap alien that snuck onto the planet to sap us of our energy and strength. Seriously.
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I think Deborah the counselor is going to work out. Last Monday, she ended up talking more than half the time (I swear). At the end of the session, I brought up my need to talk talk talk again, and she finally said something about "keeping the space". Sounded like what I mean by active listening or receiving. Did not make another appointment. Still felt lighter afterward, so Thursday I let her know I wanted to see her again, as early as Friday if possible, to try that keeping the space thing. Was lucky enough to be able to get in Friday.

We decided that when we started the 'keeping the space' part, that I would just talk as long as I wanted (knowing I would not be interrupted) and we would see how long that was. Turned out to be 25 minutes, and boy, did it feel good!! She's really good at it, and I acknowledged that I knew how difficult and tiring it can be to stay in that mode for so long. I think it helped that I told her ahead of time that it wouldn't bother me if she took notes during. Even while I was talking I noted similarities between what she was doing as an active listener and what I do when I 'receive' others.

Now that I have a listener of my own, I feel much more open to listening, and learning, and just having conversations with people. No frustration from feeling blocked.
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Since I can't go to a convent or monastery, I brought one to me: DVD Into Great Silence: Inside the Famed Carthusian Monastery. Haven't watched it yet.
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Obsession. Not just self-indulgence. Not just addiction. I'm obsessive, and not just about food and eating. My talent for contingency-thinking is just obsession over all that can go wrong. I also obsess about my relationships, and I'm realizing it's a humongous energy drain. And even my self-exploration is an obsession -- all why? why? why? (and an occasional how? or where?) and no do! do! do! In other words, I see that I could spend the rest of my life going deeper and deeper and still be essentially in the same place -- the Lazy Boy at home with my mom and not putting me or my stuff out there into the world. But at least I'd understand it really well!

: p

I think the cure for obsession is movement and/or awareness: eating -- being consciously aware of the sensations of eating and also it's effect on my body; worry -- learning as much as possible about how to prepare for and handle things; inward exploration -- outward action; and relationships -- authenticity in the moment, sharing my thoughts and feelings as they occur, owning them and not stifling myself out of fear of rejection or judgment anymore.

Hope things are going well for you and that you're having good weather down there.

Looking forward,

Nancy

Smorgasbord

Kind of a mishmash:
2-3 months ago, I started getting what I call 'flashes'. I think I've mentioned them. Before that, I would purposely escape into imagination. These new visions, much more clear and complete, come to me, I don't go to them. At first, I thought they were communications from the Universe. But now I know they're coming from myself. My subconscious, my spirit, my self, has found a way. These flashes are hints and clues of what I really am if I choose to be, and I'm trying to stop dismissing them as sillies and be open to them as real possibilities.

Whereas string theory somehow dictates the existence of an infinite number of multiple universes, actual physical universes that differ only by minutiae, I've realized that one) the Universal entities that have been welcoming me and that I've invited into my life are actually just parts, or the One part, of myself -- I've invited myself to be part of my life. And two) that means that everyone is also a unified and complete universe unto themselves. Therefore, there are multiple universes, as many as there are people alive, dead, and to-be-born. At least that many. Perhaps every existing thing that perceives its environment is also living in its own distinct universe.

I know that my mesmerization at 11-11-11-11-11 has to do with my response to patterns, but as I was communing with my digital clock last Friday, I also realized that the other attraction was the knowledge of the rarity of 11-11-11-11-11. Reminded me of a PBS show on how a common belief in Japan is that beauty is directly correlated with how transitory something is. Then I realized that 11-11-11-11-12 is just as rare and and just as transitory.

Went with my mom to her doctor's appointment last week. Told the doctor about all the memory/cognitive issues that Mom never wants or doesn't remember to talk about. She's going to be tested. Also had them change the contact number to my cell phone since Mom never writes anything down.

You said a couple of things in our last conversation that I didn't really respond to. This is something that I started to notice last year in convos with Michael, and I am getting much more capable of sensing these moments I kind of go blank or passive. Well, I've realized that what was happening was what you call thuds. It's nothing more than self-preservation, at least with me and therefore probably with everybody. Some things that people say are still so uncomfortable for me to consider that I immediately part the waters of the pond and let those stones fall right down to the ground. Thud. But now I can feel it happening as it happens. And just now I'm realizing that these thuds are the rocks thrown at thick shell -- takes a lot of thuds to get the cracks big enough to open up.

There have been many lessons this last year regarding change: changing my mind, changing my actions, changing my outlook, changing my possibilities. I've recently realized that you and F have been, and continue to be, incredible examples of changing one's environment. I don't think I've personally witnessed this 'thought into reality' behavior before. I think that's one reason why hearing the details of the process is so fascinating to me.

I made another appointment with Deborah the counselor for tomorrow. I want to talk about my issues with making money and being successful.

The biggest thing since we talked last (no pun intended):
I've noticed in the last month or so that I've been reluctant to go places, meet new people, be in public (even Starbucks), even get out of the car. It felt like I had lost my newly acquired sense of worth, self-confidence, and even interests. Why? What's changed in my life? Well, I've gained back a lot of weight. I'm heavier than I've been in years. And I think it's the main reason that I'm different: physiological responses to the avoirdupois, body image issues, and simple lack of ease, comfort, coordination, and convenience. It was a revelation to truly understand the link between my body and my thoughts and feelings, my sense of myself (last year I went on that crash diet and lost 70+ pounds which showed me the opposite response, but I didn't really understand then). Then I realized that for all the 25+ years of my obesity, I was responding to the fat in the same way, but I believed that these thoughts and feelings were me! I believed that I was shy and timid, that I couldn't handle things or that I was stupid, and that I would always be this way no matter what. No wonder I didn't bother to lose the weight and get healthy and fit.

Two things from this:

I've collected some introductory books on the physical world -- physics, electricity, basic science, and basic biology. I need to know how machines work, particularly the body machine. That's what's going to inspire me to change my lifestyle. If you know of any good books on this stuff, lay 'em on me. ; )

And I also felt compelled to search my past for the event or moment when I veered onto the path that resulted in what became my life up to this point. I think I found it -- my senior year of college.

Hope to talk to you soon,

Nancy

Body, mind, spirit

Mornin',
The natural biological, chemical, physiological, electrical tendency to follow/repeat/fall into existing neural patterns tends to be experienced as resistance when not following those patterns, when attempting to establish new patterns. This resistance is then anthropomorphized as meaningful, a struggle between dichotomous forces between right/wrong, good/bad, etc. We anthropomorphize our own bodies, our natural mammalian natures, as we do other mammals. The meaning we attribute to the sensation of the body responding naturally to its own needs and functions results in an emotional reaction that contributes to the confusion and counter-productive reactions.

Snackdragon and angry inner child aside, staying aware of the body's natural neural tendencies, removing the anxiety-producing highly emotional reaction to these tendencies, can help keep the process of changing neural patterns on a simple straightforward calm patient course. This reduction of reactionary emotional states makes choosing to weaken old patterns a simpler easier process and encourages the freedom to choose new paths, open to whatever I desire.

My practice starts with pausing in my existing pattern, opening the center, allowing the communication/sensing/feeling of what I truly desire at this moment (if truly from the center, this desire will always be positive and life-affirming), and then the point of initiation, the onset of acting on that desire. Even if acting on it only lasts five seconds, the fact of acting on it is the achievement, the learning. Before a new path can be established and lived, one needs to turn towards it, face it, and take that first step, over and over and over.

No amount of philosophizing, no amount of encouragement from someone else could substitute for that existential moment of taking the initiative...
M. Blaine Smith

Just a regular morning, ; )

Nancy

Magic

Well, Dayle, you did it again, my friend. The knot of struggle in my solar plexus -- I can relax and release it again. When I can do that, all possibilities flow. The practice is to trust the gentle urgings that ensue and actually get up and do. I have to take it slow and easy at first -- my urgings tend to reflect how I know I can be (particularly physically) rather than how I am at the moment. Feeling the urge to dance or go hiking is wonderful, but I can really only manage posture exercises and short walks. It's easy to get discouraged, especially as I get tired. Which only means that my focus is on the wrong thing, on the end result of the urge itself. My focus right now needs to be on the feeling of the urge, allowing it, and then the getting up and beginning to follow it. How long the following lasts each time, what I actually accomplish, is not important at all right now.

Thanks for the talk, it's priceless.

A gypsy in the making,

Nancy

Update on Counseling

Well, I had my first session with Deborah today. I had sent her an email summarizing the most recent doings that led to me seeking counseling, and I mentioned the 'needing to talk talk talk' thing. I didn't end up explaining it very well because it's difficult to organize the concept and I've been so depressed (literally) that I could barely write at all.

We didn't really talk about the talking -- she went over the email and clarified the recent events -- but I would say I did more talking than I did last Friday. But I still felt some frustration when she would break in to make observations about what I was saying. Of course I had already realized everything she mentioned, which was why I would have just preferred to keep talking. But I knew that she does not yet know what you know which is that I figure a lot of this stuff out myself.

I did what you suggested, not making the next appointment yet, and I'm really glad I did. Although I felt much better when I left, it didn't take long for me to realize that it wasn't necessarily her that was the cause of that -- I think it was the talking. She's fine to work with, but if just talking is going to help that much (what I expected), why train someone in the phenomenon that is Nancy Memovich when I already have people who know me already.

I've noticed how you (Michael, too) have changed your behavior since I've been talking about feeling the need to be listened to, to be received. I hope you understand how much that means to me. During a couple of our latest phone conversations, you asked me if you could break in to say something. And then the last one where you actually went silent on me (Twilight Zone theme here). It made me feel both respected and cared for. Thank you.

I was wondering if you would call me when you get the chance. There's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Besides all that, some recent insights:
Not only did I not bond with my mother, I imprinted on the bottle. That explains the oral fixation. What I realized just today is that when I try cut back on my calorie-dense comfort gooshy foods, not only does my body think it's starving and kicks in cravings, etc., but I'm also suffering from a sense of abandonment! My bottle, my only source of love, is being taken away from me! So every time I try to change my eating habits, I start to suffer from abandonment issues. I have no idea how to go about dealing with that since it's so new. I've never thought about abandonment before because my parents were always there!

When I was young, the closest I came to my true being was when I was a born-again Christian in total belief in the basic goodness of all people and I was drawn to people who looked like they needed someone to talk to. The one time I had an answer to my dad's question of what do you want to be when you grow up, I said a social worker. "Aaangh, you can't make a living doing that." Full circle now?

My empathic sense of others began because my dad (God) expected us to know what he was thinking, how to do everything, never ask questions, and never know anything he didn't know. What happened if we screwed up? A disgusted look and a disgusted tone of voice. Surprising how very powerful something so non-tangible can be.

When I popped out of that two-week intense warrior breaking-patterns training, I rebounded so hard that I've regressed back to at least 2009. When I figured this out, I relaxed a little. This current quagmire is temporary and I won't even have to start again from where I was then. I've learned so much since then. But I think figuring that out helped me feel a lot better.

Can't remember any more right now. Hope to talk to you soon,

Nancy

Fighting, not riding, the waves

I think I've temporarily lost my levity. Don't know what's changed. Kind of feels like I'm not a good person if I'm not trying all the time. I think I allow myself to rest quite a bit, though it gets frustrating when it seems like I end up resting all the time. But even now, when I ask myself why I'm striving to do anything, I just get this unsatisfying feeling of some vague spiritual thing.

The title story of The Song of the Bird reminds me of you. It would surprise me if that surprised you.

I'm reading that book a little at a time, in the order it's written like de Mello suggests. When the first story blew me away (I filled the page with my reactions and insights inspired by the idea of pre-masticated fruit), I, of course, had the idea that every story would be so fruitful and that I would read one each day and fill up the page. One of my strongest patterns seems to be making patterns. I think I do that to attempt to control the chaos I feel all around me, and inside me. The chaos scares me because there are parts of me I don't know well, they got buried early, but they feel barely controlled and contained, and it takes a lot of energy to keep them buried.

Anyway, the next day when I read the second story, I didn't have much of a reaction to it, so I read on until I did. See how disciplined I am? The second story that made me pause was The Song of the Bird. Koans. Dayle stories. Same thing.

Even though I asked you about the non-nun nunnery this morning, I didn't mention that one thing I had realized was that I'm not sure I need to go away to a convent/retreat. That escapism is a reaction to my frustration at my not acting in my own best interest enough. There are several things I can do here that I'm pretty sure will change things for me dramatically. Not even particularly difficult things, but Inertia is fighting me. The character in my valley Rhyll that represents this aspect of me is Tar, the Mola-Mola: Big, ugly fish with teeny fins that paddles frantically but never gets anywhere. He hates change, any change, hates it, hates it, hates it.

If I want my tomorrow to be different, I have to do things differently today.
I create the world I desire by believing that it already exists.

The point between rest and striving -- and just keep trying different ways.

Tonight I stopped at the story The Royal Pigeon. Ouch. Apropos. Ouch ouch ouch.

Then I picked up Vaughan's Gifts and flipped it open randomly. I came upon The World (pg 40): "...It is the witness to your state of mind...you will believe that others do to you exactly what you think you did to them...The world cannot dictate the goal for which you search, unless you gave it power to do so..."

I don't think I'm very happy with myself right now, and I'm trying to run away from myself by running away from the world. But I don't think I'd be very happy with myself there, either, wherever I found myself to be.

I've known for a long time that to really overcome myself, break free from my own jujitsu, the best, and most difficult, place to achieve that is where it all began and continues to be. Right here.

I just figured out something: the reason I'm "so hard on myself" is because I had to be in order to get to this point, the point where I was ready to meet you and really start changing things. In a way, I need to start over from this point, unlearning the push and learning the ease, the mid-way point of no sensation. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into now? ; )

Thanks for your help and guidance,

Nancy

Catch-up

Hi Dayle,
That morning a couple weeks ago when I woke up all perky out of my intense pattern-breaking warrior practice, I figured out why it was uncomfortable and not welcome -- I simply didn't know what to do with all that energy. I don't have dreams and ambitions, and a few days ago, I realized why. I mentioned in a recent email that I don't/haven't allowed myself to window-shop because it only resulted in suffering -- I saw things that I would then covet but did not have the resources to acquire. So if I knew that I would continue to not have the resources to acquire things, why expose myself to new things that I might then want.

The same thing happened with dreams, desires, and ambitions -- I knew I wasn't ready to do what was necessary to achieve them, so I didn't create them, didn't spend time imagining them, didn't allow myself to even consider that opportunities were open to me. I had to do this to retain as much equilibrium as I did. But now, with my increased exposure to the world over the last six years, with the supportive input from a variety of people, and with my own personal open-eyed exposure and examination of my own work, talents, and skills, I think I might be ready to actually do what's necessary to achieve -- something. But what? Now I get to have the fun pastime of fantasizing and daydreaming about anything and everything I might desire for myself and my life.

I've lost a lot of fear regarding showing my stuff to others, which makes it much easier to imagine putting an item in Faviana's shop, or sending my nightmare story to magazines and publishers, or trying to be accepted into an art show. But the only reason I can come up with to actually do so is to make a living and not have to have a job. I'm not sure that's enough of a motivation for me, and my actions seem to indicate that. Maybe I need a reason outside myself, but that also makes me uncomfortable.

Enough about that for now.
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Gracie mentioned that I need to just accept the fact that food and eating are always going to be an issue for me and that I need to just develop some coping skills for those times when the urges start to overwhelm me. I don't believe that, and I'm not going to, because imagining having to deal with this, struggle with this, for the rest of my life just makes me think, then, why bother? I'll either just stop trying to be healthier, or I'll...simplify the issue some other way.

I don't have a ready easy answer to the question of why I should bother to get and stay healthy. I know that at times I sound like I've figured this out, but my actions say otherwise. And I know that this is linked to my desires and ambition issue. I know that one solution would be to find some cause or belief to dedicate my life to, which could motivate me. But I distrust having something outside myself be my motivation to be my best self. Unreliable. A lot of people seem to be motivated by the idea of living as long as possible, or of being there for their loved ones, or of achieving goals they've set for themselves -- dreams. I don't seem to feel any of these. I don't have kids to be there for. I don't have dreams. And life just is what it is -- I'll live until I die. This last one sounds a little Buddhist or Taoist to me, but I know that included in those ideologies is the belief that the body is a temple (or something like that) and the true and proper care and maintenance of the body is a large part of living these ideals. I'm not making much progress along those lines.
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I went to Beaverton Powell's a few days ago to get those two books, The Song of the Bird and Gifts from A Course in Miracles. They have their check-out line barricaded off from the rest of the store, funneling people to keep order. Most people follow this quideline. I sauntered into the funnel and stopped at the "Please wait here" sign as there was someone already at the checkout, and I noticed a couple of women wandering around just on the other side of the barricade, a basket full of books, just shopping. While waiting for the checkout person to be free, I amused myself with all their tempting little cutsies they have for impulse purchasing. When I looked up again, those two women had gotten to the checkout before me! They had 'snuck' around the "Exit" end of the the barrier instead of getting in line. Well! But I decided to believe that it had been inadvertent, that that they hadn't realized the set up. So I did what I normally do, made it into a "patience" lesson. I worked on my emotional reaction and amused myself by looking around the room. And, lo and behold, just on the other side of the barrier was a table with the sign "Last Chance! $1 - $3!" I knew I couldn't pass that up. So after paying for the two books, I went over to check out that sales table and ended up buying the following as well:

For $1 each:
Feng Shui: The Book of Cures
Art For Everyday (originally $50)
Color for Your Home
Instant Decorating
New Rooms
Light and Shade
$500 Room Makeovers

For $3 each:
Ornamentalism (originally $40)
Bold Colors for Modern Rooms

Not a bad haul, I'd say, and I wouldn't have seen the sign on that table at all if those women hadn't cut in front of me and made me stand there waiting a while longer.

Going to work now,

Nancy

Jeez, another one

Hi Dayle,

I feel like I've let everything just slip away. That was the feeling until this morning! I had put such intense energy into practicing my warriorship those two weeks that when I actually accomplished some things, made some progress in not mindlessly following old patterns, etc. etc., I broke through to a place that had no landmarks or road signs. What the hell was I doing this for? I have no goals by which to gauge my progress, no homework assignments that are being graded. No real ambitions. Even if I did start to put my stuff out there, I don't know why I would be bothering to do that.

I found myself almost desperately wanting to see you, or some therapist, or lastly, Don Juan (The Craft of the Warrior references and quotes that book a lot and I like the sound of it). I desperately wanted someone to guide me. So I imagined what Don Juan would say if I came back from an assignment crying in panic, "But what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to want, to be?" And as is my wont, I knew what he would say to all that whining: Get back out there and don't come back until you know what you're supposed to do!

That's the lesson. There are no scripts. I have to decide what my life is going to be about. And so far, that's the hardest thing of all.

No surprise that religion is so popular. It sets up a pattern for a life, a plan, even, in some cases. I can't imagine everybody going through this to this level, anyway.

So, yes, everything has slipped away, because it was supposed to.

If I make it through this, I will be an incredible dancer, so light on my feet for having that damn rug ripped out from under me all the time.

Whew!

Nancy

Just a little more

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place -- or only being able to choose between being a slug and touching a hot stove.

Had a flash this morning of the movie The Ten Commandments (one of my favorites - perfect casting, and sentimental). But what do you think Moses would have done if his choice had been between pain-racking humiliating debasing slavery and spending the rest of his life wandering the desert by himself. And of course for Moses, he didn't have a choice. He was forced to go into the desert and he knew what to do when he found people. I'm feeling like that's the two options I have to choose from: being a slug zoned out on food and ennui or striving, learning, pushing myself, achieving a self-respect but always being alone, wandering a desert alone and always to be alone because I just can't learn the language of the locals.

I've spent the last six years touching that hot stove again and again because I always believed that connecting with people was what was missing from my life, that learning how to do that would solve all my problems (I never fell for the "if I just got skinny, I'd be happy" trap). Everyone else seemed to be able to touch the stove whenever they wanted and not get burned (naive, I know). But when I first got back out there trying to connect, I assumed that everyone knew what they were doing, that they were doing it correctly. So I tried to do things their way, not realizing that there are no clear cut basic 'friendship' skills that everyone knows except me. I've been trying to learn from people who don't even know that they know or don't know anything about it. Talk about feeling like an alien desperately trying to learn how to communicate before being killed for being 'weird'.

Hmmm, this is starting to feel a little like pathetic self-pity. Sorry.

Nancy

Is Heaven simply the absence of Hell?

Thank you sooo much for your glowing support for my fiery bath. I do know that fire is the source of much transformation in this world, what created the world in the first place. It just seems like, at the moment, that it will be neverending (isn't that Hell?) or at the very least, that I can't see a cool, pleasant, gentle, calm where all this might be leading. But you have eased my fears of eternal pain, and thanks for doing so in a manner that I can hold in my hand. Sometimes I need that.

Yesterday, even though I had lost all sense of what I was trying to accomplish, I had a couple of flashes of, "Just clean this place up." Have I shared with you my insights into clutter? Clutter is to my environment what fat is to my body: a buffer between me and the world; an excuse to keep people away, not invite them in; an excuse for not accomplishing things (don't have the energy/can't find anything; what makes me think I can be successful out there if I can't even keep tidy or healthy). So I know that decluttering my environment would not only reduce my visual anxiety, help me relax, but might also automatically have an effect on my eating or desire to be healthy. Plus it's really hard to cook and organize food if there's no space. So, yesterday, I knew that I could clean up without a lot of mental effort (almost all the clutter is just going to be boxed up and put downstairs -- I'm not concerned with 'organizing' at this point), but even so, I didn't manage to get myself to actually do it.

Maybe finally being able to get that email off to you made a difference, but I felt better this morning. Then I saw you had taken the time to write to me. Thanks again.

Hope to talk to you soon, : )

Nancy

Sometimes not so pretty

Dayle,

I have tried several times to write this email. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm discovering too many things at once, that I'm pushing myself too hard, as you would say. But it seems that as soon as I stop 'pushing' myself, I start to backtrack, fall back, relapse, and lose all gained ground. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I started reading Magical Child again. I had stopped right before the birthing process. I guess there I am -- completely unbonded and terrified of people. No wonder I have connection and boundary issues.

Plus, a couple weeks ago, I read a little of Creative Dreaming. Only a little. Just the first chapter to the point where it says read the chapter on how to remember your dreams and then only that one through the part where it suggests the technique of gently turning over upon waking. Really? There's nothing 'gentle' about me turning over in bed. Ugh.

Then that night, when I first lay down, I remembered the book saying that if I wanted to start remembering my dreams to just tell myself that as I went to sleep. I thought about it and decided that I didn't really want to add a new project to work on, so I just let it go. And I'm so damn suggestible that every time I woke up that night and the next, I had a leftover emotional remnant from a dream, three or four each night. Nothing specific and it lasted only a second (I wasn't even trying!), but usually I never have an inkling of my dreams at all.

The absolute weirdest part of those remnants was that the overall feeling from those dreams was positive! These seemed to be power dreams, from what I can remember. So what I'm wondering is...why was I waking up? Usually I wake up from a dream because it's become an anxiety dream or an all-out nightmare. And then I remembered Magical Child. People bring pain and abandonment. I have the instinct of wanting to connect, to belong, and also the equally strong learned knowledge that people can't be trusted, that if I make that connection, that attachment, I'll just be opening myself to pain, vulnerable to injury. Just how many scars from hot stoves do I need?

I do remember the last moment of one dream: a group of people (I think mostly people I knew) suddenly turned toward me as if in admiration or acknowledgement (I've been getting a little attention at work for my woodburning because I have a snapshot of your treasure box in my cubicle). That sounds like a nice-feeling dream, right? But I needed to wake up out of it. Their attention on me just made me want to run. I know that there's a lot of stuff mixed up in that, including a fear of failure. But when I was in that half-dreaming state right after, I remember thinking, "It's not me. It's the Universe." And that brought an image of Jesus to mind: Jesus was a reflection of the Universe because he had no ego.

These discoveries, and others, seem more and more convoluted and intertwined. It's very difficult to write about. I keep thinking I need visuals, which sounds weird. But even I am having difficulty keeping these latest things straight, and they're mine!

For example, and this one came up again just today, I've noticed over the past couple of years that I make my greatest advancements right after a painful rejection, rebuff, or rebuke. Pain is a great motivator, and you yourself mentioned how my painful childhood environment is what goaded me to learn so much and work so hard to get out of it. The thing is, I'm starting to think that I create situations that result in pain just so I'll be motivated to keep learning and getting stronger. Do you understand how sick that feels???? Last Monday, after two weeks of serious difficult striving to change, when I woke up all perky out of the blue, I actually felt panicky. Intuitively, I knew what it meant. Not only did I start giving in to more and more of my urges and old patterns, but I couldn't even remember what the hell I had been working on just a few days before! And why! Why was I trying to be a warrior in the first place?

What I really don't want is to have to spend the rest of my life either living like a slug giving in to whatever short-term indulgent pleasure I feel like or purposely (albeit subconsciously) putting myself through choking racking emotional pain so that I'll get angry, learn my 'lesson', have a brief period of proud respite and hope, just to feel myself gradually lose momentum, feel the mire start to stick to my shoes, fall flat and exhausted, know myself for a slug again, and stick another splinter under my fingernail so that I'll know that I'm alive and have a reason to live. Where's the room in that scenario for friendship, let alone anything else?

You also kept mentioning Freud and Jung. I couldn't figure out why. The only thing I can think of is that you think it's time I got professional counseling and that you're suggesting staying away from the Freudian. What I know is that I need someone to rant and rave to. I just hope I don't end up committed.

You also mentioned me forgiving my Mom.

I think I need to forgive myself.

Nancy

Testing post

It was a wonderful respite to talk to you the other day, in spite of my 'instructions'.