Thank you sooo much for your glowing support for my fiery bath. I do know that fire is the source of much transformation in this world, what created the world in the first place. It just seems like, at the moment, that it will be neverending (isn't that Hell?) or at the very least, that I can't see a cool, pleasant, gentle, calm where all this might be leading. But you have eased my fears of eternal pain, and thanks for doing so in a manner that I can hold in my hand. Sometimes I need that.
Yesterday, even though I had lost all sense of what I was trying to accomplish, I had a couple of flashes of, "Just clean this place up." Have I shared with you my insights into clutter? Clutter is to my environment what fat is to my body: a buffer between me and the world; an excuse to keep people away, not invite them in; an excuse for not accomplishing things (don't have the energy/can't find anything; what makes me think I can be successful out there if I can't even keep tidy or healthy). So I know that decluttering my environment would not only reduce my visual anxiety, help me relax, but might also automatically have an effect on my eating or desire to be healthy. Plus it's really hard to cook and organize food if there's no space. So, yesterday, I knew that I could clean up without a lot of mental effort (almost all the clutter is just going to be boxed up and put downstairs -- I'm not concerned with 'organizing' at this point), but even so, I didn't manage to get myself to actually do it.
Maybe finally being able to get that email off to you made a difference, but I felt better this morning. Then I saw you had taken the time to write to me. Thanks again.
Hope to talk to you soon, : )
Nancy
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