Catch-up

Hi Dayle,
That morning a couple weeks ago when I woke up all perky out of my intense pattern-breaking warrior practice, I figured out why it was uncomfortable and not welcome -- I simply didn't know what to do with all that energy. I don't have dreams and ambitions, and a few days ago, I realized why. I mentioned in a recent email that I don't/haven't allowed myself to window-shop because it only resulted in suffering -- I saw things that I would then covet but did not have the resources to acquire. So if I knew that I would continue to not have the resources to acquire things, why expose myself to new things that I might then want.

The same thing happened with dreams, desires, and ambitions -- I knew I wasn't ready to do what was necessary to achieve them, so I didn't create them, didn't spend time imagining them, didn't allow myself to even consider that opportunities were open to me. I had to do this to retain as much equilibrium as I did. But now, with my increased exposure to the world over the last six years, with the supportive input from a variety of people, and with my own personal open-eyed exposure and examination of my own work, talents, and skills, I think I might be ready to actually do what's necessary to achieve -- something. But what? Now I get to have the fun pastime of fantasizing and daydreaming about anything and everything I might desire for myself and my life.

I've lost a lot of fear regarding showing my stuff to others, which makes it much easier to imagine putting an item in Faviana's shop, or sending my nightmare story to magazines and publishers, or trying to be accepted into an art show. But the only reason I can come up with to actually do so is to make a living and not have to have a job. I'm not sure that's enough of a motivation for me, and my actions seem to indicate that. Maybe I need a reason outside myself, but that also makes me uncomfortable.

Enough about that for now.
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Gracie mentioned that I need to just accept the fact that food and eating are always going to be an issue for me and that I need to just develop some coping skills for those times when the urges start to overwhelm me. I don't believe that, and I'm not going to, because imagining having to deal with this, struggle with this, for the rest of my life just makes me think, then, why bother? I'll either just stop trying to be healthier, or I'll...simplify the issue some other way.

I don't have a ready easy answer to the question of why I should bother to get and stay healthy. I know that at times I sound like I've figured this out, but my actions say otherwise. And I know that this is linked to my desires and ambition issue. I know that one solution would be to find some cause or belief to dedicate my life to, which could motivate me. But I distrust having something outside myself be my motivation to be my best self. Unreliable. A lot of people seem to be motivated by the idea of living as long as possible, or of being there for their loved ones, or of achieving goals they've set for themselves -- dreams. I don't seem to feel any of these. I don't have kids to be there for. I don't have dreams. And life just is what it is -- I'll live until I die. This last one sounds a little Buddhist or Taoist to me, but I know that included in those ideologies is the belief that the body is a temple (or something like that) and the true and proper care and maintenance of the body is a large part of living these ideals. I'm not making much progress along those lines.
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I went to Beaverton Powell's a few days ago to get those two books, The Song of the Bird and Gifts from A Course in Miracles. They have their check-out line barricaded off from the rest of the store, funneling people to keep order. Most people follow this quideline. I sauntered into the funnel and stopped at the "Please wait here" sign as there was someone already at the checkout, and I noticed a couple of women wandering around just on the other side of the barricade, a basket full of books, just shopping. While waiting for the checkout person to be free, I amused myself with all their tempting little cutsies they have for impulse purchasing. When I looked up again, those two women had gotten to the checkout before me! They had 'snuck' around the "Exit" end of the the barrier instead of getting in line. Well! But I decided to believe that it had been inadvertent, that that they hadn't realized the set up. So I did what I normally do, made it into a "patience" lesson. I worked on my emotional reaction and amused myself by looking around the room. And, lo and behold, just on the other side of the barrier was a table with the sign "Last Chance! $1 - $3!" I knew I couldn't pass that up. So after paying for the two books, I went over to check out that sales table and ended up buying the following as well:

For $1 each:
Feng Shui: The Book of Cures
Art For Everyday (originally $50)
Color for Your Home
Instant Decorating
New Rooms
Light and Shade
$500 Room Makeovers

For $3 each:
Ornamentalism (originally $40)
Bold Colors for Modern Rooms

Not a bad haul, I'd say, and I wouldn't have seen the sign on that table at all if those women hadn't cut in front of me and made me stand there waiting a while longer.

Going to work now,

Nancy