Just a little more

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place -- or only being able to choose between being a slug and touching a hot stove.

Had a flash this morning of the movie The Ten Commandments (one of my favorites - perfect casting, and sentimental). But what do you think Moses would have done if his choice had been between pain-racking humiliating debasing slavery and spending the rest of his life wandering the desert by himself. And of course for Moses, he didn't have a choice. He was forced to go into the desert and he knew what to do when he found people. I'm feeling like that's the two options I have to choose from: being a slug zoned out on food and ennui or striving, learning, pushing myself, achieving a self-respect but always being alone, wandering a desert alone and always to be alone because I just can't learn the language of the locals.

I've spent the last six years touching that hot stove again and again because I always believed that connecting with people was what was missing from my life, that learning how to do that would solve all my problems (I never fell for the "if I just got skinny, I'd be happy" trap). Everyone else seemed to be able to touch the stove whenever they wanted and not get burned (naive, I know). But when I first got back out there trying to connect, I assumed that everyone knew what they were doing, that they were doing it correctly. So I tried to do things their way, not realizing that there are no clear cut basic 'friendship' skills that everyone knows except me. I've been trying to learn from people who don't even know that they know or don't know anything about it. Talk about feeling like an alien desperately trying to learn how to communicate before being killed for being 'weird'.

Hmmm, this is starting to feel a little like pathetic self-pity. Sorry.

Nancy