Jeez, another one

Hi Dayle,

I feel like I've let everything just slip away. That was the feeling until this morning! I had put such intense energy into practicing my warriorship those two weeks that when I actually accomplished some things, made some progress in not mindlessly following old patterns, etc. etc., I broke through to a place that had no landmarks or road signs. What the hell was I doing this for? I have no goals by which to gauge my progress, no homework assignments that are being graded. No real ambitions. Even if I did start to put my stuff out there, I don't know why I would be bothering to do that.

I found myself almost desperately wanting to see you, or some therapist, or lastly, Don Juan (The Craft of the Warrior references and quotes that book a lot and I like the sound of it). I desperately wanted someone to guide me. So I imagined what Don Juan would say if I came back from an assignment crying in panic, "But what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to want, to be?" And as is my wont, I knew what he would say to all that whining: Get back out there and don't come back until you know what you're supposed to do!

That's the lesson. There are no scripts. I have to decide what my life is going to be about. And so far, that's the hardest thing of all.

No surprise that religion is so popular. It sets up a pattern for a life, a plan, even, in some cases. I can't imagine everybody going through this to this level, anyway.

So, yes, everything has slipped away, because it was supposed to.

If I make it through this, I will be an incredible dancer, so light on my feet for having that damn rug ripped out from under me all the time.

Whew!

Nancy