Thanks for calling yesterday. Exciting news about your growing compound in RN. Planning to rent? ; )
My Thanksgiving went surprisingly well. As soon as Mom left to pick up Gary, I put the dinner together (except for the gravy which I left for Mom) and I was amazed at how well I whizzed around the kitchen when I had it to myself. Food for thought.
Have you heard the one about how it takes twenty minutes for your stomach to signal your brain that it's full? I always thought, "I know right away when I'm full...and then I'm really full!" In the last couple of weeks I've figured out, inadvertently like usual, that what they meant was twenty minutes from when you stopped eating. They never said that! I would just eat away waiting for the magic signal to stop, and it only came after I had eaten way too much. I know that my style of eating (too fast even when not mindless) probably has something to do with this. Maybe those who eat slowly get the signal while they're still eating, but now I know I should portion out an amount, eat that and then wait and see if I really want more.
I've lately been seeing myself as quite neurotic: addictive, obsessive, antisocial, etc. Then I remembered you saying things along the line of how sane I am compared to a lot of people (as well as raised by wolves). Maybe what you've been trying to say is that I'm actually a very sane person trapped in a crazy situation. That my 'insanities' are making themselves known more clearly because I'm waking up and realizing where I am.
Sometime in the last few weeks, I realized something while visiting my new favorite Mex restaurant. Having sat in booths along the inside walls and booths along the outside walls, with no other differences between the two, I realized that I preferred sitting along the outside wall. Also noticed this inside other rooms, the middle of the room felt very different from the edges of a room. Then I realized that what it seemed like was that the room's energy flowed from the middle of the room toward the edges, and that if I was sitting or standing toward the middle of the room, it felt like I was kind of being pushed outward, necessitating that I use my own energy to resist. Sitting along the outside wall, I'm able to relax more completely.
I've been curious about feng shui for a few years but have not been impressed with the books I'd looked at. They all focused on compass directions and specific placement of things that made no sense to me. But since F recommended that I check into it again, I have found some incredible books that explain more general spiritual/energy phenomena that are really speaking to me right now. Found a library book that I'm going to buy this afternoon:
Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston. Just the first couple of chapters are combining, summarizing, and explaining several realizations I've had recently:
Looking at your home around you, "...realized that what you are looking at is the outer manifestation of your inner self." All my increased desires to get away from here, get rid of all my stuff, simplify, etc. are mirroring my trying to break away from my old life and become the real me.
"Energy ripples outward..." with an illustration that looks exactly like what I described above.
"Healthy energy is moving energy." Do, do, do. Action. Movement. Wu wei representing the movement of water.
"Most people who have lots of clutter say they can't find the energy to begin to clear it. They constantly feel tired. This is because everything you own is connected to you by strands of energy." One of the reasons I have been wanting to get rid of stuff is that it felt like cobwebs all wrapped around me.
"People unconsciously keep clutter in order to suppress their own aliveness. They may want to change and improve their lives, but their subconscious minds are afraid to journey into the unknown." My weight does the same thing. It protects me from flying off the world, from losing myself. Weighs me down. Anchors me. And the fear of the unknown is discussed in my warrior book as a major roadblock. I think one of the reasons I'm so afraid is that I hadn't been around it, other people who can fly. I don't know what's ok and what's crazy or dangerous.
My current interest in the physical sciences (in contrast to my long relationship with the more esoteric interests) was answered by OPB in that they've been repeating their series on quantum mechanics and string theory. They still haven't sold me on it, but there were lots of animated atoms involved -- the nucleus of protons and neutrons with the teeny electrons whizzing in an orb around it. It reminded me of how I feel when my awareness is expanded into a sphere around me. It also reminded me of my 'jujitsu'. Maybe when I'm relaxed and expanded, my 'electrons' are circling around me in a relaxed and inviting manner, perhaps able to connect and mingle with others' 'electrons'. But when I'm anxious, stressed, or agitated, those electrons get going so fast that they become a shell (this would be like my sense of being lost in a tornado, and my defensive 'jujitsu') and I'm locked and retreated inside.
When I am relaxed and expanded, and I move my arms around or something, it seems like I can feel the space, the 'empty' air, around me as if it were water. I have a sense of the movement from beneath the skin (muscles, etc.), a sense of the boundary between my space and the surrounding space (surface of skin and hair), and a sense that the surrounding 'ocean' is as alive as I am.
Maybe I'm one of those energy workers. Or could be.
These always end up being so long. Sorry about that.
Nancy
No comments:
Post a Comment