New book from Goodwill: The Back to Eden Recipe Book, Jethro Kloss. Natural diet guru from early 20th century. Then got his main book from the library: Back to Eden. Sounds so simple -- God (or evolution) put everything we needed to nourish our bodies in whole and complete health on this earth, predominantly plants and water, and so to return to whole and complete health, eat directly from the earth. And move. This body machine is designed for natural fuel and movement. Simple.
So why is it so hard to figure out what to eat? And the Lazy Boy is a venus-fly-trap alien that snuck onto the planet to sap us of our energy and strength. Seriously.
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I think Deborah the counselor is going to work out. Last Monday, she ended up talking more than half the time (I swear). At the end of the session, I brought up my need to talk talk talk again, and she finally said something about "keeping the space". Sounded like what I mean by active listening or receiving. Did not make another appointment. Still felt lighter afterward, so Thursday I let her know I wanted to see her again, as early as Friday if possible, to try that keeping the space thing. Was lucky enough to be able to get in Friday.
We decided that when we started the 'keeping the space' part, that I would just talk as long as I wanted (knowing I would not be interrupted) and we would see how long that was. Turned out to be 25 minutes, and boy, did it feel good!! She's really good at it, and I acknowledged that I knew how difficult and tiring it can be to stay in that mode for so long. I think it helped that I told her ahead of time that it wouldn't bother me if she took notes during. Even while I was talking I noted similarities between what she was doing as an active listener and what I do when I 'receive' others.
Now that I have a listener of my own, I feel much more open to listening, and learning, and just having conversations with people. No frustration from feeling blocked.
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Since I can't go to a convent or monastery, I brought one to me: DVD Into Great Silence: Inside the Famed Carthusian Monastery. Haven't watched it yet.
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Obsession. Not just self-indulgence. Not just addiction. I'm obsessive, and not just about food and eating. My talent for contingency-thinking is just obsession over all that can go wrong. I also obsess about my relationships, and I'm realizing it's a humongous energy drain. And even my self-exploration is an obsession -- all why? why? why? (and an occasional how? or where?) and no do! do! do! In other words, I see that I could spend the rest of my life going deeper and deeper and still be essentially in the same place -- the Lazy Boy at home with my mom and not putting me or my stuff out there into the world. But at least I'd understand it really well!
: p
I think the cure for obsession is movement and/or awareness: eating -- being consciously aware of the sensations of eating and also it's effect on my body; worry -- learning as much as possible about how to prepare for and handle things; inward exploration -- outward action; and relationships -- authenticity in the moment, sharing my thoughts and feelings as they occur, owning them and not stifling myself out of fear of rejection or judgment anymore.
Hope things are going well for you and that you're having good weather down there.
Looking forward,
Nancy
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