Smorgasbord

Kind of a mishmash:
2-3 months ago, I started getting what I call 'flashes'. I think I've mentioned them. Before that, I would purposely escape into imagination. These new visions, much more clear and complete, come to me, I don't go to them. At first, I thought they were communications from the Universe. But now I know they're coming from myself. My subconscious, my spirit, my self, has found a way. These flashes are hints and clues of what I really am if I choose to be, and I'm trying to stop dismissing them as sillies and be open to them as real possibilities.

Whereas string theory somehow dictates the existence of an infinite number of multiple universes, actual physical universes that differ only by minutiae, I've realized that one) the Universal entities that have been welcoming me and that I've invited into my life are actually just parts, or the One part, of myself -- I've invited myself to be part of my life. And two) that means that everyone is also a unified and complete universe unto themselves. Therefore, there are multiple universes, as many as there are people alive, dead, and to-be-born. At least that many. Perhaps every existing thing that perceives its environment is also living in its own distinct universe.

I know that my mesmerization at 11-11-11-11-11 has to do with my response to patterns, but as I was communing with my digital clock last Friday, I also realized that the other attraction was the knowledge of the rarity of 11-11-11-11-11. Reminded me of a PBS show on how a common belief in Japan is that beauty is directly correlated with how transitory something is. Then I realized that 11-11-11-11-12 is just as rare and and just as transitory.

Went with my mom to her doctor's appointment last week. Told the doctor about all the memory/cognitive issues that Mom never wants or doesn't remember to talk about. She's going to be tested. Also had them change the contact number to my cell phone since Mom never writes anything down.

You said a couple of things in our last conversation that I didn't really respond to. This is something that I started to notice last year in convos with Michael, and I am getting much more capable of sensing these moments I kind of go blank or passive. Well, I've realized that what was happening was what you call thuds. It's nothing more than self-preservation, at least with me and therefore probably with everybody. Some things that people say are still so uncomfortable for me to consider that I immediately part the waters of the pond and let those stones fall right down to the ground. Thud. But now I can feel it happening as it happens. And just now I'm realizing that these thuds are the rocks thrown at thick shell -- takes a lot of thuds to get the cracks big enough to open up.

There have been many lessons this last year regarding change: changing my mind, changing my actions, changing my outlook, changing my possibilities. I've recently realized that you and F have been, and continue to be, incredible examples of changing one's environment. I don't think I've personally witnessed this 'thought into reality' behavior before. I think that's one reason why hearing the details of the process is so fascinating to me.

I made another appointment with Deborah the counselor for tomorrow. I want to talk about my issues with making money and being successful.

The biggest thing since we talked last (no pun intended):
I've noticed in the last month or so that I've been reluctant to go places, meet new people, be in public (even Starbucks), even get out of the car. It felt like I had lost my newly acquired sense of worth, self-confidence, and even interests. Why? What's changed in my life? Well, I've gained back a lot of weight. I'm heavier than I've been in years. And I think it's the main reason that I'm different: physiological responses to the avoirdupois, body image issues, and simple lack of ease, comfort, coordination, and convenience. It was a revelation to truly understand the link between my body and my thoughts and feelings, my sense of myself (last year I went on that crash diet and lost 70+ pounds which showed me the opposite response, but I didn't really understand then). Then I realized that for all the 25+ years of my obesity, I was responding to the fat in the same way, but I believed that these thoughts and feelings were me! I believed that I was shy and timid, that I couldn't handle things or that I was stupid, and that I would always be this way no matter what. No wonder I didn't bother to lose the weight and get healthy and fit.

Two things from this:

I've collected some introductory books on the physical world -- physics, electricity, basic science, and basic biology. I need to know how machines work, particularly the body machine. That's what's going to inspire me to change my lifestyle. If you know of any good books on this stuff, lay 'em on me. ; )

And I also felt compelled to search my past for the event or moment when I veered onto the path that resulted in what became my life up to this point. I think I found it -- my senior year of college.

Hope to talk to you soon,

Nancy