Hope you had a great Thanksgiving

Thanks for calling yesterday. Exciting news about your growing compound in RN. Planning to rent? ; )

My Thanksgiving went surprisingly well. As soon as Mom left to pick up Gary, I put the dinner together (except for the gravy which I left for Mom) and I was amazed at how well I whizzed around the kitchen when I had it to myself. Food for thought.

Have you heard the one about how it takes twenty minutes for your stomach to signal your brain that it's full? I always thought, "I know right away when I'm full...and then I'm really full!" In the last couple of weeks I've figured out, inadvertently like usual, that what they meant was twenty minutes from when you stopped eating. They never said that! I would just eat away waiting for the magic signal to stop, and it only came after I had eaten way too much. I know that my style of eating (too fast even when not mindless) probably has something to do with this. Maybe those who eat slowly get the signal while they're still eating, but now I know I should portion out an amount, eat that and then wait and see if I really want more.

I've lately been seeing myself as quite neurotic: addictive, obsessive, antisocial, etc. Then I remembered you saying things along the line of how sane I am compared to a lot of people (as well as raised by wolves). Maybe what you've been trying to say is that I'm actually a very sane person trapped in a crazy situation. That my 'insanities' are making themselves known more clearly because I'm waking up and realizing where I am.

Sometime in the last few weeks, I realized something while visiting my new favorite Mex restaurant. Having sat in booths along the inside walls and booths along the outside walls, with no other differences between the two, I realized that I preferred sitting along the outside wall. Also noticed this inside other rooms, the middle of the room felt very different from the edges of a room. Then I realized that what it seemed like was that the room's energy flowed from the middle of the room toward the edges, and that if I was sitting or standing toward the middle of the room, it felt like I was kind of being pushed outward, necessitating that I use my own energy to resist. Sitting along the outside wall, I'm able to relax more completely.

I've been curious about feng shui for a few years but have not been impressed with the books I'd looked at. They all focused on compass directions and specific placement of things that made no sense to me. But since F recommended that I check into it again, I have found some incredible books that explain more general spiritual/energy phenomena that are really speaking to me right now. Found a library book that I'm going to buy this afternoon:
Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston. Just the first couple of chapters are combining, summarizing, and explaining several realizations I've had recently:

Looking at your home around you, "...realized that what you are looking at is the outer manifestation of your inner self." All my increased desires to get away from here, get rid of all my stuff, simplify, etc. are mirroring my trying to break away from my old life and become the real me.

"Energy ripples outward..." with an illustration that looks exactly like what I described above.

"Healthy energy is moving energy." Do, do, do. Action. Movement. Wu wei representing the movement of water.

"Most people who have lots of clutter say they can't find the energy to begin to clear it. They constantly feel tired. This is because everything you own is connected to you by strands of energy." One of the reasons I have been wanting to get rid of stuff is that it felt like cobwebs all wrapped around me.

"People unconsciously keep clutter in order to suppress their own aliveness. They may want to change and improve their lives, but their subconscious minds are afraid to journey into the unknown." My weight does the same thing. It protects me from flying off the world, from losing myself. Weighs me down. Anchors me. And the fear of the unknown is discussed in my warrior book as a major roadblock. I think one of the reasons I'm so afraid is that I hadn't been around it, other people who can fly. I don't know what's ok and what's crazy or dangerous.

My current interest in the physical sciences (in contrast to my long relationship with the more esoteric interests) was answered by OPB in that they've been repeating their series on quantum mechanics and string theory. They still haven't sold me on it, but there were lots of animated atoms involved -- the nucleus of protons and neutrons with the teeny electrons whizzing in an orb around it. It reminded me of how I feel when my awareness is expanded into a sphere around me. It also reminded me of my 'jujitsu'. Maybe when I'm relaxed and expanded, my 'electrons' are circling around me in a relaxed and inviting manner, perhaps able to connect and mingle with others' 'electrons'. But when I'm anxious, stressed, or agitated, those electrons get going so fast that they become a shell (this would be like my sense of being lost in a tornado, and my defensive 'jujitsu') and I'm locked and retreated inside.

When I am relaxed and expanded, and I move my arms around or something, it seems like I can feel the space, the 'empty' air, around me as if it were water. I have a sense of the movement from beneath the skin (muscles, etc.), a sense of the boundary between my space and the surrounding space (surface of skin and hair), and a sense that the surrounding 'ocean' is as alive as I am.

Maybe I'm one of those energy workers. Or could be.

These always end up being so long. Sorry about that.

Nancy

Big one this morning

I'm a visual thinker, but when I communicate (feedback) with the Universe (story of the hourglass), I just realized that the language of the universe is sensation, not words, not feelings, not 'pictures' (2D representations of 3D world). Temple Grandin is well-known autistic author of Animals in Translation (she's responsible for much of the improvements of our treatment of food animals). She made the correlation between autistics and animals, that they both think in 'pictures'.

Well, because of my experience with the hourglass, I've come to think that what she really means by pictures is sensations from the senses of the body. That's how animals would see the world. I think 'pictures' was the best word she could come up with because she's human with language capabilities. What these 'pictures' really feel like is a gestaltic combination of thinking, feeling, visuals, sensations...and maybe something spiritual -- really hard to describe.

The Secret, as I'm paraphrasing from friends who have read it, focuses on details as the way to communicate with the universe. As per Gracie anyway, "Make as detailed a picture as you can (eg, what kind of man I want in my life), write it down in great detail, and meditate on it, send it out there, in a detailed picture. Instinctively, I did not think this was the way to do it. Then the hourglass happened, and I got a general picture of how it more likely works. Then this morning, it solidified.

My trying to create detailed plans and instructions on how to eat and get healthy is like the detailed list of mate-qualities that she was talking about. What I need to do is get these gestaltic things going -- overall sensation flashes of the way I want to be: healthy, fit, vital. The thing is that they've always happened on their own accord up to this point. Now I need to learn and practice how to cause them to happen by my choice.

Then I realized that not only do I need to flash on physical health, but I need to include with that the love, acceptance, and compassion for others that will keep my new energy bound as a positive force and effect. I reminded myself of my 'open-hand' policy that I learned because of my issues with Michael early 2010, and the picture of that (I always reminded Michael of this by holding my hand out palm up) reminded me of your posture exercise to settle the shoulders and your point about the depictions of Jesus.

Whew!

N

Knowledge is a frustrating thing

Howdy,
New book from Goodwill: The Back to Eden Recipe Book, Jethro Kloss. Natural diet guru from early 20th century. Then got his main book from the library: Back to Eden. Sounds so simple -- God (or evolution) put everything we needed to nourish our bodies in whole and complete health on this earth, predominantly plants and water, and so to return to whole and complete health, eat directly from the earth. And move. This body machine is designed for natural fuel and movement. Simple.

So why is it so hard to figure out what to eat? And the Lazy Boy is a venus-fly-trap alien that snuck onto the planet to sap us of our energy and strength. Seriously.
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I think Deborah the counselor is going to work out. Last Monday, she ended up talking more than half the time (I swear). At the end of the session, I brought up my need to talk talk talk again, and she finally said something about "keeping the space". Sounded like what I mean by active listening or receiving. Did not make another appointment. Still felt lighter afterward, so Thursday I let her know I wanted to see her again, as early as Friday if possible, to try that keeping the space thing. Was lucky enough to be able to get in Friday.

We decided that when we started the 'keeping the space' part, that I would just talk as long as I wanted (knowing I would not be interrupted) and we would see how long that was. Turned out to be 25 minutes, and boy, did it feel good!! She's really good at it, and I acknowledged that I knew how difficult and tiring it can be to stay in that mode for so long. I think it helped that I told her ahead of time that it wouldn't bother me if she took notes during. Even while I was talking I noted similarities between what she was doing as an active listener and what I do when I 'receive' others.

Now that I have a listener of my own, I feel much more open to listening, and learning, and just having conversations with people. No frustration from feeling blocked.
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Since I can't go to a convent or monastery, I brought one to me: DVD Into Great Silence: Inside the Famed Carthusian Monastery. Haven't watched it yet.
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Obsession. Not just self-indulgence. Not just addiction. I'm obsessive, and not just about food and eating. My talent for contingency-thinking is just obsession over all that can go wrong. I also obsess about my relationships, and I'm realizing it's a humongous energy drain. And even my self-exploration is an obsession -- all why? why? why? (and an occasional how? or where?) and no do! do! do! In other words, I see that I could spend the rest of my life going deeper and deeper and still be essentially in the same place -- the Lazy Boy at home with my mom and not putting me or my stuff out there into the world. But at least I'd understand it really well!

: p

I think the cure for obsession is movement and/or awareness: eating -- being consciously aware of the sensations of eating and also it's effect on my body; worry -- learning as much as possible about how to prepare for and handle things; inward exploration -- outward action; and relationships -- authenticity in the moment, sharing my thoughts and feelings as they occur, owning them and not stifling myself out of fear of rejection or judgment anymore.

Hope things are going well for you and that you're having good weather down there.

Looking forward,

Nancy

Smorgasbord

Kind of a mishmash:
2-3 months ago, I started getting what I call 'flashes'. I think I've mentioned them. Before that, I would purposely escape into imagination. These new visions, much more clear and complete, come to me, I don't go to them. At first, I thought they were communications from the Universe. But now I know they're coming from myself. My subconscious, my spirit, my self, has found a way. These flashes are hints and clues of what I really am if I choose to be, and I'm trying to stop dismissing them as sillies and be open to them as real possibilities.

Whereas string theory somehow dictates the existence of an infinite number of multiple universes, actual physical universes that differ only by minutiae, I've realized that one) the Universal entities that have been welcoming me and that I've invited into my life are actually just parts, or the One part, of myself -- I've invited myself to be part of my life. And two) that means that everyone is also a unified and complete universe unto themselves. Therefore, there are multiple universes, as many as there are people alive, dead, and to-be-born. At least that many. Perhaps every existing thing that perceives its environment is also living in its own distinct universe.

I know that my mesmerization at 11-11-11-11-11 has to do with my response to patterns, but as I was communing with my digital clock last Friday, I also realized that the other attraction was the knowledge of the rarity of 11-11-11-11-11. Reminded me of a PBS show on how a common belief in Japan is that beauty is directly correlated with how transitory something is. Then I realized that 11-11-11-11-12 is just as rare and and just as transitory.

Went with my mom to her doctor's appointment last week. Told the doctor about all the memory/cognitive issues that Mom never wants or doesn't remember to talk about. She's going to be tested. Also had them change the contact number to my cell phone since Mom never writes anything down.

You said a couple of things in our last conversation that I didn't really respond to. This is something that I started to notice last year in convos with Michael, and I am getting much more capable of sensing these moments I kind of go blank or passive. Well, I've realized that what was happening was what you call thuds. It's nothing more than self-preservation, at least with me and therefore probably with everybody. Some things that people say are still so uncomfortable for me to consider that I immediately part the waters of the pond and let those stones fall right down to the ground. Thud. But now I can feel it happening as it happens. And just now I'm realizing that these thuds are the rocks thrown at thick shell -- takes a lot of thuds to get the cracks big enough to open up.

There have been many lessons this last year regarding change: changing my mind, changing my actions, changing my outlook, changing my possibilities. I've recently realized that you and F have been, and continue to be, incredible examples of changing one's environment. I don't think I've personally witnessed this 'thought into reality' behavior before. I think that's one reason why hearing the details of the process is so fascinating to me.

I made another appointment with Deborah the counselor for tomorrow. I want to talk about my issues with making money and being successful.

The biggest thing since we talked last (no pun intended):
I've noticed in the last month or so that I've been reluctant to go places, meet new people, be in public (even Starbucks), even get out of the car. It felt like I had lost my newly acquired sense of worth, self-confidence, and even interests. Why? What's changed in my life? Well, I've gained back a lot of weight. I'm heavier than I've been in years. And I think it's the main reason that I'm different: physiological responses to the avoirdupois, body image issues, and simple lack of ease, comfort, coordination, and convenience. It was a revelation to truly understand the link between my body and my thoughts and feelings, my sense of myself (last year I went on that crash diet and lost 70+ pounds which showed me the opposite response, but I didn't really understand then). Then I realized that for all the 25+ years of my obesity, I was responding to the fat in the same way, but I believed that these thoughts and feelings were me! I believed that I was shy and timid, that I couldn't handle things or that I was stupid, and that I would always be this way no matter what. No wonder I didn't bother to lose the weight and get healthy and fit.

Two things from this:

I've collected some introductory books on the physical world -- physics, electricity, basic science, and basic biology. I need to know how machines work, particularly the body machine. That's what's going to inspire me to change my lifestyle. If you know of any good books on this stuff, lay 'em on me. ; )

And I also felt compelled to search my past for the event or moment when I veered onto the path that resulted in what became my life up to this point. I think I found it -- my senior year of college.

Hope to talk to you soon,

Nancy

Body, mind, spirit

Mornin',
The natural biological, chemical, physiological, electrical tendency to follow/repeat/fall into existing neural patterns tends to be experienced as resistance when not following those patterns, when attempting to establish new patterns. This resistance is then anthropomorphized as meaningful, a struggle between dichotomous forces between right/wrong, good/bad, etc. We anthropomorphize our own bodies, our natural mammalian natures, as we do other mammals. The meaning we attribute to the sensation of the body responding naturally to its own needs and functions results in an emotional reaction that contributes to the confusion and counter-productive reactions.

Snackdragon and angry inner child aside, staying aware of the body's natural neural tendencies, removing the anxiety-producing highly emotional reaction to these tendencies, can help keep the process of changing neural patterns on a simple straightforward calm patient course. This reduction of reactionary emotional states makes choosing to weaken old patterns a simpler easier process and encourages the freedom to choose new paths, open to whatever I desire.

My practice starts with pausing in my existing pattern, opening the center, allowing the communication/sensing/feeling of what I truly desire at this moment (if truly from the center, this desire will always be positive and life-affirming), and then the point of initiation, the onset of acting on that desire. Even if acting on it only lasts five seconds, the fact of acting on it is the achievement, the learning. Before a new path can be established and lived, one needs to turn towards it, face it, and take that first step, over and over and over.

No amount of philosophizing, no amount of encouragement from someone else could substitute for that existential moment of taking the initiative...
M. Blaine Smith

Just a regular morning, ; )

Nancy

Magic

Well, Dayle, you did it again, my friend. The knot of struggle in my solar plexus -- I can relax and release it again. When I can do that, all possibilities flow. The practice is to trust the gentle urgings that ensue and actually get up and do. I have to take it slow and easy at first -- my urgings tend to reflect how I know I can be (particularly physically) rather than how I am at the moment. Feeling the urge to dance or go hiking is wonderful, but I can really only manage posture exercises and short walks. It's easy to get discouraged, especially as I get tired. Which only means that my focus is on the wrong thing, on the end result of the urge itself. My focus right now needs to be on the feeling of the urge, allowing it, and then the getting up and beginning to follow it. How long the following lasts each time, what I actually accomplish, is not important at all right now.

Thanks for the talk, it's priceless.

A gypsy in the making,

Nancy

Update on Counseling

Well, I had my first session with Deborah today. I had sent her an email summarizing the most recent doings that led to me seeking counseling, and I mentioned the 'needing to talk talk talk' thing. I didn't end up explaining it very well because it's difficult to organize the concept and I've been so depressed (literally) that I could barely write at all.

We didn't really talk about the talking -- she went over the email and clarified the recent events -- but I would say I did more talking than I did last Friday. But I still felt some frustration when she would break in to make observations about what I was saying. Of course I had already realized everything she mentioned, which was why I would have just preferred to keep talking. But I knew that she does not yet know what you know which is that I figure a lot of this stuff out myself.

I did what you suggested, not making the next appointment yet, and I'm really glad I did. Although I felt much better when I left, it didn't take long for me to realize that it wasn't necessarily her that was the cause of that -- I think it was the talking. She's fine to work with, but if just talking is going to help that much (what I expected), why train someone in the phenomenon that is Nancy Memovich when I already have people who know me already.

I've noticed how you (Michael, too) have changed your behavior since I've been talking about feeling the need to be listened to, to be received. I hope you understand how much that means to me. During a couple of our latest phone conversations, you asked me if you could break in to say something. And then the last one where you actually went silent on me (Twilight Zone theme here). It made me feel both respected and cared for. Thank you.

I was wondering if you would call me when you get the chance. There's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Besides all that, some recent insights:
Not only did I not bond with my mother, I imprinted on the bottle. That explains the oral fixation. What I realized just today is that when I try cut back on my calorie-dense comfort gooshy foods, not only does my body think it's starving and kicks in cravings, etc., but I'm also suffering from a sense of abandonment! My bottle, my only source of love, is being taken away from me! So every time I try to change my eating habits, I start to suffer from abandonment issues. I have no idea how to go about dealing with that since it's so new. I've never thought about abandonment before because my parents were always there!

When I was young, the closest I came to my true being was when I was a born-again Christian in total belief in the basic goodness of all people and I was drawn to people who looked like they needed someone to talk to. The one time I had an answer to my dad's question of what do you want to be when you grow up, I said a social worker. "Aaangh, you can't make a living doing that." Full circle now?

My empathic sense of others began because my dad (God) expected us to know what he was thinking, how to do everything, never ask questions, and never know anything he didn't know. What happened if we screwed up? A disgusted look and a disgusted tone of voice. Surprising how very powerful something so non-tangible can be.

When I popped out of that two-week intense warrior breaking-patterns training, I rebounded so hard that I've regressed back to at least 2009. When I figured this out, I relaxed a little. This current quagmire is temporary and I won't even have to start again from where I was then. I've learned so much since then. But I think figuring that out helped me feel a lot better.

Can't remember any more right now. Hope to talk to you soon,

Nancy